Kameshvari: "lady of desire" who grants wishes...

Learning How to Love

"Learning how to love is the goal and the purpose of spiritual life~ not learning how to develop psychic powers, not learning how to bow, chant, do yoga, or even meditate, but learning to love. Love is the truth. Love is the light."  ~ Lama Surya Das

Mmmmmm....Radhe...Krishna...listening to Wah!'s album "Love Holding Love"

Touch Every Heart...

Yesterday's class was devoted to "Releasing Anger" Kriya and Tershula Kriya meditation, and one of my favorite students showed up unexpectedly...along with 11 more. I haven't seen more than 8 people in a class since January and all the New Year's resolutions! It was exciting to teach, and powerful. When class was over, that student, Danielle, asked if I had started the spiritvoyage.com latest Global Sadhana. I told her that I had meant to begin it this past weekend on Saturday, when I was in Memphis, but that it was just too long. I had meant to begin it Sunday, but did not. I had meant to begin it Monday, but did not. I started to do it yesterday, and almost stopped, with all kinds of negative thoughts running through my mind like: "You'll never finish...what are you doing?...You have too many meditations to do already...you are so selfish...you have taxes to pay, laundry to do, a car to wash, food to cook, classes to teach, a bathroom to clean...you are a slob...you are lazy...you don't deserve this...WOW!!!!

Then I thought: YOU HAD BETTER DO THIS ONE, BECAUSE IT IS SERIOUSLY PISSING OFF YOUR EGO.

And I did it.

And it was awesome. My spine tingled, my heart opened wider, and within 15 minutes I was watching a TED talk video on Radical Self Love. 

And then...I got a phone call...from my ex...the one I'd sent a clip of the upworthy.com video: The Shortest PSA On How To Handle Drunk Girls Passed Out On the Couch...the one who, the very first time I was with him, performed oral sex on me without my knowledge while I lay passed out on his sofa. It didn't matter that I liked him. It didn't matter that awake I would have loved to have been with him, what mattered that it was rape.

And I'd meant to 'allude' to that past lude behavior of his, so when he called I expected him to address it. He didn't. He asked about Yoga classes, and for recommendations on where the best place was to go for a health issue that he was trying to address. We talked about his father and some health issues surrounding him as well. It took me a while after I got off the phone to release how exquisitely I had been manipulated...except THIS TIME he wasn't able to take my energy like he has in the past. I'm not sure if I believe everything he told me either. But, oh well. 

So then I watched a bunch of stuff on Sociopathy. And a TED talk on How to Spot Liars. Very entertaining. 

Through all of this, my heart seems much more open to the fact that all of us lie to a greater or lesser extent. ALL of us. I felt more aware, and yet more forgiving. I know what certain people are capable of, and I choose to keep a safer distance so that my heart can remain more open to those whom I trust more, and whom I really, really care about.

Funny, that the way my whole course curriculum for this meditation series in Kundalini Yoga is lining up with everything else. Amazing really... That tomorrow I will be teaching the kriya for "Treating Grief" from David S. Shannahoff-Khlasa's book on Axis I & II disorders. Amazing that I already had the track "Ong Namo/Sat Kartar" for the previous Global Sadhana with spiritvoyage.com on the playlist, and that I am teaching the kriya also for HOW MUCH YOU LOVE. So... I slapped down the tracks from Gurunam Singh's newest CD for the current Global Sadhana: "Touch Every Heart". 

And I noticed something else. He's got the last track as "Har Ji" for Breaking the Mask kriya. Next Tuesday is: "Breaking the Mask" and "Clearing the Subconscious Reverse Personality".

And I'm already 'breaking the mask' of hiding behind a persona that has not allowed for the fact that I am bisexual and polyamorous. I believe in polyamory, know that it is a valid way of living, just like being straight or being gay is... and I am embracing it. Whether the couple I am interested in becomes one that I am sexually involved with or not, they are helping to heal so much within me. Just being attracted to BOTH of them almost equally, seeing them as sides of the same lover in a way, and watching as they do everything they possibly can to build my trust, to rebuild it from the ways in which it was broken down by a couple in the past...they are 'mirroring' my greatest fears in relationships back with the reverse: real love. Trust. Friendship. Respect. Even on their own turf they give me the courtesy and respect of listening on the other side of the door for a briefly appropriate time to see if it is 'okay' to enter. They do not barge in, even into rooms that belong to them, as long as I am occupying the space, without first checking to see if it is something that I want. My tendency to overwhelm, to see if I can trust them, they are weathering like troopers. For this alone, I love them more than words can say...

Bhagamalini: PAINTING THE TOWN RED!!!

"So whatever be said, Goddess Parvati has two main forms, what actually shaktas say out of which one is Lalita who is Supreme in Srikula family of shaktism and second one is Durga or Kali who is supreme in kalikula family."

My first gong is named Parvati. The second Bhagamalini. She is one of the aspects of Lalita. The mandala book I am working from has mandalas for all of the aspects of Lalita, and all of the aspects of Durga/Kali. Sweet. I'm working through so much sexual pain that needs to be released by working on these "RED" mandalas. Below, it is almost finished.

Red. Love. Love. Love.

And after watching the TED Talk: "Radical Self Love: Gala Darling at TEDxCMU"...Free compliment to myself: I am bountiful, I am blissful, I am beautiful...and being bisexual and devoted to the concept of polyamory as a way of being in relationships is a beautiful way of living. It is open, it is loving, it is right for me, and anyone who does not 'get' that is not my concern. I have as much right to the lifestyle choice of polyamory as others do to committed relationships with one person, be they same-sex or opposite sex. My love for more than one person just makes my own heart bigger. This is MY radical form of self-love: who I AM and my relationship choices are valid.

The video about Radical Self-Love is on youTube:

Watch the video. Create your own journal of radical self-love. Break your own out-dated boundaries...give yourself as many compliments as you can.

And for the record, she says nothing about polyamory, it's just me coming out louder to myself and others about who I am. And I am polyamorous. It's about love, not about lust. 

Thinking about all of this...

And then today, we have the LBGT logo popping up all over Facebook, and everyone saying: "paint the town red"! 

Over a week ago, I was just starting to paint my mandala book red...working on every mandala described as having red in it without realizing it until I began each one. Red was always my favorite color. Life giving. Power. Working with my group of 'mandala women' in "Sacred Feminine Mandalas".

One woman posted today that she is going to a Jungian-inspired workshop where they will be painting and coloring mandalas. This not only reminds me of the Art & Yoga workshops I have tried to do in the past with Kundalini Yoga, just like Hari Kirin, but made my eyes pop out, because I've been thinking of adding mandala coloring to the roster of activities for next Tuesday's class with the kriyas "Clearing the Subconscious Reverse Personality" and "Breaking the Mask". Why not? It's all Jungian shadow/persona work anyway...isn't it???

I am reminded of the Paul Lawrence Dunbar poem that Terpsichord, our modern dance club in high school at Girl's Preparatory School, choreographed a dance to, complete with black unitards (classic Martha Graham design! Ha, ha!) and white paper mache masks:

"We wear the mask that grins and lies

It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes

This debt we pay to human guile

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile

And mouth with myriad subtleties..."

Nilapataka: Beacons in the Darkness

Nilapataka. Done. Finished on the 19th, but not commented on or thought about intellectually until today. Today, when I am in Memphis, Tennessee at the Gong Chamber, after playing the Black Gong:Persephone, and crying my heart out. The green...the safety of the heart, how deep it opens on the other side of the storm...

Christy said there is such depth, and that it seems wise to her.

Balprem: "Something dark like the Perfect Storm off Cape Cod and the beacon of orange drawing me in delighting the eyes!"

Wow...it does look like a lighthouse. Thank you for helping me to see that. The light in the storm.

Eileen: "Brings me back to Beasts of the Southern Wild, which I saw last night...the balance of darkness and light, the clear messages of the need to go outward, into the darkness, then back inward through the darkness, again, to the light that was always there. Phoenix Amrita - you have such a gift with color."

I am beaming!!!!!

Eileen, I saw that movie in the theater twice! I loved it so much that I looked up a ton of stuff on Quevenzhane Wallis and the man who played her father, and how he won her over with pastries from his bakery. She ran the show. That movie was incredible. And I'd forgotten, until you mentioned it...how it was that she ventured into the darkness away from home, into the water, to go to that crab shack and get batter-fried alligator for her dying daddy. I thought of my daddy. I love that movie. I love that movie. Thank you for your kind comparison and your dear words.

And thanking Melissa for her kind words: I love my dearest and sweetest friend in the whole wide world! 

Everyone's perceptions help the rest of us expand outwards even more...to the stars!

Eileen: "...I saw [the movie] at a viewing given by the Jung society....Definitely the Joseph Campbell/Jungian hero's journey. Loved the androgens nature of Hushpuppy, the everyman/everywoman aspect of her life and journey (neutral clothing, except when forced into a dress at the shelter - unhappily -, neutral name, Wink's little girl but also "I am the man!") So much in that movie."

Yes. It was fabulous. She was and is a lighthouse. I am a lighthouse. We are lighthouses. Beacons in the darkness.

Lalita AND The Flower of Life!

Duti

Nitya Nitya!

Nityaklinna

Words as Mandalas: Anais Nin...Henry & June

While not exactly a mandala...Christy asked me to repost this to our closed Facebook group:

As I read Judy Chicago's July 2001 article on Anais Nin...

http:/www.gadflyonline.com/best_of_2001/wednesday-art/art-anaisnin.html

 I am struck by several images of my own: of Alise, my exotic dancing cohort from '96-'98, extracting her bloody tampon and chasing my manager Rich around the club with it as they both laughed. Of Rich' immense compassion for all of us, even as he was a sort of stern father. I remember too, during those same years, being in the front row of my Psychology & Sexuality professor's class (his name interestingly not worthy of memory retention), and hearing his pompous, ridiculous and unknowledgable assertion that women were incapable of wet dreams, being as their private parts were not large enough to create friction against the bedsheets. I begged to differ. Not only that, but I explained in great detail, to his horror and my immense delight, how I personally found that not only possible, but frequent, and frequently delightful.

But most of all, what I love about this essay by Judy Chicago is the way she asserts the grace with which Anais handled Judy's panic over the imagery of cancer appearing in her drawings...Anais, gracefully without ever mentioning her own harrowing affair with cancer, advised Judy that this was due to her recoiling from her own power, of turning her rage inward upon herself. Having myself both turned rage upon myself and also projected it outwards, I cannot recommend either course. It seems that  many women only flirt with releasing their anger; that many of us are not even sure, still, after all the hullabaloo, what exactly we are angry about. But are we angry? Or just hurting? And if we cleaned up the Garden of Eden, what beautiful flowers would bloom there?

I have no awareness of what it is like to be a woman from the perspective of marriage and childbirth, but I am one, nonetheless. I have conveniently, or not so, avoided those options. We all have our various reasons for reflection, and I suspect mine are due to being 4 months into what for all appearances is menopause...something I wished for early so that I would never have to use birth control again if I decided to change my 5 year status of celibacy in protest toward all the men I've known. I must confess though, that I have not stopped teasing many of them mercilessly. I am not all sweet. Sometimes I am a little cruel.

My sincerest wish is not to offend, but to share. If you were to reply with shared thoughts I would likely become ecstatic. If not, I would most certainly understand. :)

No boorish comments please, though...

And aren't these images from the 30s, some of them of Anais and Henry, Anais as a child, like mandalas in their own way?

I want so badly to share more detailed information about what the women in this group have said, but it is a closed Facebook group for a reason. I respect that. Nothing personal will I share here unless it is mine. 

Also, it just amazes what misinformation there is medically about how women's bodies function, and equally how we can heal so much by pouring creativity onto paper.

I think also that Yogi Bhajan, if he were alive, would be asking me to publish and write about painting yantras and mandalas, about writing as a form of yantra practice, of painting myself into the core of my being...of women painting ourselves out of the corner of the bhupur and into the center of the bindi, the heart drop...

I said to them all in a post: Thank you for welcoming me! I am finally just getting back to reading your words...a crazy week of releasing stuff. It is so strange to look back at our erroneous perceptions of ourselves in other time frames. Working on mandalas seems to be a practice of 'reframing' ourselves in the center of our own hearts, like the bindi drop. We are in the view-finder. We are in the frame, not cut off like some old Victorian photograph!

I cannot wait to see you all on the 18th. I'm getting past my nervousness of new faces, and so grateful to be welcomed by you all. I'm going today to Barnes & Noble to look for mandala coloring books!

Flowers as Mandalas...AND... The Paintings of Georgia O'Keefe

Here's one...

And another...

And my pastel of a section of Georgia's sweetpeas that I did and framed for my mother...

And one more:

Listening to Mary Clare at lunch yesterday at The Mud House, eating Vegan vegetable wraps and roasted potatoes with truffled sour cream, and talking about so many, many things that I can't even remember because it was so non-linear, so intuitive, so unfocused...just exactly the way I love to communicate with others, I found that parts of me were healed that I didn't even know were being healed. Just like we were discussing about the way the writing of Haruki Murakami, Tom Robbins and Flannery O'Connor isn't really using symbology per se, just taking you down deep into healing scenarios, swishing you around in it, and then pulling you back out. It was amazing!

Strangely, what really caught my attention in the most whimsical way was her description of a coffee shop in D.C. called Tryst, where they served an animal cracker with every cup of coffee. I was thinking, and said to her that I would always be excited about that too, just like she was, wondering every day whether I would get a giraffe, an elephant, or what? She said that one day a friend of hers asked if she could have a whole bowl of animal crackers, because that was what she really wanted, and the waiter, without skipping a beat, said: "Yes, we'll bring you a bowl. You can have a whole menagerie!"

How did that afternoon start? Danielle calling me, and us talking about being considered sensitive or overly-sensitive by others...my telling her how Gurucharan Singh Khalsa had written in my "21 Stages of Meditation" book about it not being a bad thing to be sensitive, because as a matter of fact, when we are working to develop our intuition, we are working on becoming more sensitive. Not just more caring, but more aware. So when my Dad talked about how you develop a soft heart, with a hard shell, that's it! Developing the intuition to know where to be at the right time, so that if you get the sense that you are in a not so hot environment, you can leave before your heart gets stomped on. I recited Dorothy Parker's poem: "I wear my heart on my sleeve like a wet red stain."

Then Mary Clare called inviting me first to a movie, and then as I was running out the door, not having done very much of my meditation practice today at all, and feeling a lot like Cinderella again, the phone rang and it was Balprem! Do you know that I have invited all 3 women to be in our Mandala group? They will love it. I just know. It's my intuition. And we'll make mandalas on paper, mandalas of flowers, and mandalas of our grocery lists. No linear stuff. Ha, ha!

The funniest thing Mary Clare said was when she just, out of nowhere seemingly, was talking about people posturing and pretending to be deeper than they are, when they are really hiding out inside themselves, was this: "Come on. You know you aren't writing anything really profound in your moleskine, you're just writing your grocery list."

That cracked me up. Talking about creating art, writing, and even the medical profession as an opportunity to really live, and not just function...to be no holds barred in love with the world and all it has to offer, no matter what is happening and what is going on around you. And then...my boss Cathleen walked in to cozy up in a corner with her computer. When she left for her meeting, she stopped to smile at me, and I spontaneously hugged her. I think I really like my boss...

Sacred Mandalas: Bliss (Venus) ~Friday

Sacred Mandalas: Expansion (Jupiter) ~Thursday

Sacred Mandalas: Intellect (Mercury) ~Wednesday

Sacred Mandalas: Passion (Mars) ~Tuesday

Sacred Mandalas: Nourishment (Moon) ~Monday

Sacred Mandalas: Radiance (Sun) ~Sunday

Sacred Mandalas (shadow): Organization/Death (Saturn) ~Saturday

Sacred Mandalas (shadow): Uniqueness (Rahu) ~Saturday

This is the yantra for Rahu, the north node of the Moon, and another shadow planet. It is invoked to bring strength and fearlessness to your unique path in life, no matter how different it is from the status quo. It is to bring desires into manifestation. The mantra to be chanted while gazing at the dot, the bind, is: Om Ram Rahuve Namaha.

The incense burned with this is: Ambergris, which is really whale poop that has been floating around in the ocean for years and years. It is very expensive, as it is used as a perfume fixative. Many countries have a ban on it. I used a synthetic version made from resins, roots and flowers by:

http://www.alchemy-works.com/

Sacred Mandalas (shadow): Spirituality (Ketu) ~Tuesday

This is the design for the south node of the Moon, Ketu. It is the counterpart of Rahu. These are not actual planetary yantras like the others; these are eclipse points, or nodes of the moon. They are known as shadow planets. Where Rahu is about manifestation of desires into reality, Ketu is concerned with a falling away of what is not needed on your unique spiritual path. Both the nodes highlight the unusual, the secretive and the mystical. Sometimes what working with Ketu brings can be difficult. It is learning the lessons of our 'shadow selves', sometimes hastening the dry periods of spirituality that give the illusion of separation from Source. Working with Ketu can bring you to a place where you feel you have no option but to surrender to your Source. It can be quite humbling because it allows what no longer serves you to fall away, even if your ego wants to keep it. For this reason, some people project negativity onto working with Ketu, mostly because they are afraid of working the dark side of the shadow to bring it into the light.

On the other hand, working with Rahu is like the healing balm for what is released from Ketu. Rahu is expansive and creative in a sense like working with Jupiter energy, but with the twist of being mysterious, distinctive, unique, quirky and more feminine. I experienced Ketu as quite painful to work with, and Rahu as fascinating and intriguing. But some may find Ketu very peaceful and meditative because they've already dealt deeply with aspects of their shadow, and conversely find a calm energy from Rahu. It all depends on what you need to let go of, and what you need to create. Essentially Ketu is a letting go, Rahu a creation of new energy.

Ketu's mantra is: Om Kem Ketuve Namaha. 

There are a specific number of mantras to be chanted for each, specific days of the week to begin, i.e., Ketu on Tuesday, Rahu on Saturday...and there are specific forms of incense to be burnt. This is a more advanced Tantric practice (Red Tantra, not Black), and I've done it, but the notes are elsewhere. It would be best to work with the other seven planetary yentas first, one by one, chanting the required number of mantras while burning the incense, and THEN move to Rahu and Ketu. I was drawn to these first, and I jumped in too fast and made more work for myself than I needed to.

Of course, you could just work with Rahu and Ketu a little, by trying out gazing at the bind and chanting 108 repetitions of the mantra to get the feel of the energy. That would not be a full classical purashana practice, but one of just exploring. I should have done that to get the fascination out of my system, so my curiosity didn't overwhelm me as it did. My overzealousness ultimately brought much needed change into my life, but I made it more painful than I needed to by not clearing some other things first. But...it's done. 

My teacher who gave me these mantras laughed when he realized I'd been overzealous. He just said, "Well you can't undo it now, the process will finish what it needs to do." And it kept working a year and a half later. 

Work with the yantra that corresponds to the planet which rules your astrological moon sign first, then work with the other actual planets, and finally Rahu and Ketu.

The incense burned for this is civet.

The synthetic version is powerful and much more humane. It is made by Witchcrafts Artisan Alchemy:

http://witchcraftsartisanalchemy.com/

 ...though the civet used by most Tantric adepts of this practice in India is the real deal, extracted from the anal scent glands of the civet cat. Civet is used in some Hindu temple rituals as well. It used to be used as a scent base for perfumes, and many perfumes in the West, as recent as the mid-80s, still had not been reformulated with synthetic civet. Use the synthetic civet. Don't abuse the cats. Don't perpetuate the horror of leaving the cats in tiny cages like prisoners waiting to have their scent glands torturously scraped once a month. It's awful. I used the synthetic and it was powerful enough.

Drowning in Grief

I realized today, as the Mommy & Me class went on next door to Kundalini Yoga, that I am grieving over the 2 babies I couldn't have. Crying in my tofu as I cook. Adi Shakti's little Tutu told her mama when she met me: "She's a mama. She has two." Tutu could see my babies in my aura. I've seen my daughter before, right before I had to have an abortion because I was so sick that I almost died. I would have died. My daughter came to me then and forgave me as I cried my heart out. The two rings I wear...

...represent my daughter & my son that I could not give birth to, because of severe, life-threatening Hyperemesis Gravidarum. As I'm crying, I'm sad, but happy that I get to be around other people's babies. I'll even change diapers if you ask me, and show me how. To all the mommas: God bless you and you and your beautiful wombs. May we all, as women, continue to have the choice to live or die, as I did, and be able to give birth when it's right for us. 

Christy responded to me on this post on Facebook:

"That touches my heart. Our children are ours whether they fully, physically manifest. They are ours. Your little ones love you and are with you. Not the same as physically with you, so you could hug 'em and squeeze 'em, but with you. Not the same at all, but I'm sure you sense their presence. love you Phoenix Amrita, and thank you for sharing."

Josh: "love to you, lovely one...it would seem that you did and do, in fact have those children..."

And many other people responded.

And I responded: Christy and Josh you are making me cry harder and that's good! I need to feel this grief, and let it transform into the energy to create with my heart, voice and hands. I've been holding back. I do feel them there. My teachers wanted so badly for me to take Radiant Child Yoga training. I wasn't ready, financially or otherwise. I see why I relate so strongly to Anais Nin in one way, and Amma in another. Amma has thousands of children as devotees...she calls us her children. Anais was like a mother in many ways nurturing the neglected sides of women with her words. I am grateful to both of you for responding with kindness to my disclosure. Thank you. The Internet is real, and I feel a tremendous release by saying all of this out loud. My eyes are crying, my heart is singing.

Then Christy said: "I don't know how to make one of those cute little hearts, but cute heart coming your way. Holding you in healing, peaceful light."

Christy I can't stop crying now...I had so much to do today, but this takes precedence. < + 3 = a heart....Love back to you and your little ones mama!

Then, she struggled with making that heart. It was so endearing...we both agreed we were dorks, and then she finally got it, and I laughed! I needed that!

To Diana and Kim I said: You are so kind. Diana I now know why I never took you up on your offer to join the Mommy & Me you teach because I wasn't ready. And why I've planned to visit Adi Shakti and her babies, but always chickened out. But there are so many adults who I want to hold & rock like little babies...to help them let their pain go. Students, friends. There's a man who is fighting off his grief by chasing lots of women who needs a big hug more than he needs anything else. I know it. I just want to hug everybody. Amma is rubbing off on me and making me want to hug people. It makes me think of "The Hugging Book" that came out in the 80s....

Then Christy said to me: "When I was dealing with the infertility and coming to an acceptance, I had started planning a ritual... A funeral for my fertility, if that's not too macabre. I had planned out certain things, like who would I like to be there, what would I like to do to release, etc. Then, of course, I found I was pregnant with Eric. So, I got to go through the pregnancy/childbirth/nursing experience after all. We had hoped for another, but my body decided menopause was the thing. She needs a rest, I guess. Once my year is up, I plan to honor it with ritual and ceremony. I feel like I have another child that would like to come, but my body needs a rest. I've already adopted 2 special needs kiddos, and I know there are many ways to bring children into my life; I really wanted the physical experience of pregnancy, birth, and nursing again. It's hard not to feel greedy. I'm grateful I got it once, and he sneaked in there at the end. I'm sure you've considered or experienced some sort of ritual or ceremony to honor yourself and your little one and your process. Just my thoughts."

My response: Christy I haven't. What I've done is wish for menopause out of anger and resentment. Anger at some men's callous disregard for the danger pregnancy would pose to my life, and anger at a system that doles out Viagra like candy, and makes a woman lie back in stirrups to get her precious birth control. I've wished for the sexual freedom which men seemingly have. I've resented the assumptions of the doormen and employees in my building that anytime a man came to visit, as a single woman, that I must be sleeping with him...so I never brought men here for a long time. And having been celibate for more than 5 years, I've had the opportunity to turn down some rather hunky men, which somehow sickly nourished my ego's desire to say "no" in a belated response to every ridiculous and soul-searing relationship I ever had. I have so much hidden rage (well, I'm hiding it no longer) around sexuality, that it's likely very dangerous for my body, and I need to change that.

When my last major bleeding occurred, it was in October, twice that month, and roughly around when I purchased my last two gongs. All during late Fall & Winter I experienced an almost insatiable desire, but a desire relegated to one man. It is unfulfilled. The only ritual I want, as troublesome as it feels to my mind, is to be able to have sex with either that man or someone in the future whom I love deeply, where I no longer have to worry about pregnancy. But underneath it all, I am mourning the loss of something that was a double-edged sword for me: like a car I couldn't drive because I had no keys. What use was fertility to me when it was so dangerous?

What I want now is to be held, even once, by a man whom I trust to make love to me in the tenderest, sweetest way, with the utmost kindness and respect, and to do so without fear. Of anything at all. That would be my desired ritual. To just let go and fall into the arms of someone I trust and can trust. And I'd like to make love to a woman at the same time. I want to honor both sides, loving both men and women as I do. I want to claim my bisexuality as something legitimate and whole and real, and worthy of respect. I want to celebrate embracing that too. And I want to live in a world that honors those sorts of desires without so much prurient interest; with an awe and reverence for the beauty of sex and love all by themselves with people that you love. 

To be free to love more than one. To love the woman and the man.

I want to make breakfast for this couple in the future, hold their hands and fall asleep in their arms and smile at them and know that I am safe and loved.

I want to walk arm-in-arm with them down the street. 

I want my passing into menopause to mark the beginning of a freedom to love deeply in ways I've never been able to before. That is my wish. Just a ritual of loving from my whole heart whomever I want to love and who loves me. 

I see menopause as a step into that doorway. I see it as a threshold into a new way of being. I'm frightened and sad, but also excited and expectant.

And then Christy contacted me through IM: "Thank you for sharing in your post yesterday. Again, if you're comfortable, will you post something in our mandala group? (She means our closed group: Sacred Feminine Mandalas...and she has asked me to repost things I've written on my Facebook page there before...) I know several of us are dealing with sexuality and reproductive processes. I know a lot of us are feeling anger, rage, and sadness. I don't want to dwell, but I have a feeling your experiences and feelings will resonate with a lot of people, whether they speak up or not. Your words bring awareness and healing. I'm so grateful our paths have crossed."

She touched my heart so deeply. I cried. Again. I laughed. Again. Hearing Faye's words: "Breathe in. Breathe out 'Ahhhh', the sound of the heart.........do that for  awhile......then take it to laughter!"

Christy, yes I will. I'll need to condense some of it to put on my own blog that I'm writing as a requirement for my Kundalini Yoga training on Stress & Vitality. (note: So much for condensing... but I want to preserve this whole conversation here. It's important. Very.) I'm working on that this weekend. 

Light At the Core of Darkness...

Christy asked me yesterday to repost what I had written on Facebook about the grieving process and anger. Here is my response:

I think we have a fear, in this New Age milieu, of whether things are too painful to bring up, but if we can go into the pain for the purpose of coming out on the other side, not to wallow... I feel that can be so healing. And we spiral back to some issues again and again, healing more subtly each time. I guess it's like the Mandalas. 

Traditionally, you would paint them from the outside to the inside, getting from the bhupur to the bind...the point of it all which is: that drop of love. Even the mandalas of Dhumavati and Shani, of smoke, death and darkness that have light at their core, love at the center of what seems like chaos, destruction, death and darkness. Not utter darkness, which is so different, abysmal even, but true darkness which has light at it's core, just like the yin aspect of the yin yang symbol.

I'll want to say something about that, so it's more obvious that the intent is not to dwell, not to stay in pain...again, I need to condense. I am so grateful that my words have any effect, are of any help to anyone besides me. Many people are saying this now, and encouraging me to write. Even to self-publish. I am a little surprised, shocked even. I've always thought I just rambled to hear myself talk and get it out. I've felt guilt about speaking out, been afraid to speak. Now, not so much.

I really want to play and paint with the Mandala group. I have a friend, Danielle who might like to join too...

Looking now at this interpretation in the photo above of Alice in Wonderland, thinking again of my being drawn to essential oils and perfumes in this process of healing, and of Black Phoenix Alchemy's Alice-In-Wonderland collection of oil blends, I feel as if the dark flowers in the garden are blooming, but waiting to be colored in, to be tinted like an old photograph. I think of Wim Wender's movie: "Wings of Desire" and the way the angel fell in love with the trapeze artist and fell to earth through the black-and-white of his world...to find color. It isn't all black and white.

I think too, of the story of Krishna as baby Gopala in the Hindu scriptures, and how his mother caught him stealing butter. When she opened his mouth to look inside, she saw the whole universe, because the butter and everything in it belong to all of us. We are all worthy of everything the universe has to offer, because we are the universe. Each and every one of us. To believe otherwise is concentrated ego with no light to illuminate the darkness. I look at the image of The Cheshire cat, and think of those sparkling white teeth opening like baby Gopala's mouth to reveal the universe in all it's splendor and color!!!!! Brilliant Light. Illumination. Technicolor world we love & live in....

We've fallen down the rabbit hole, through daath, or da'ath, the 'gift' from both the Hebrew and the modern Sanksrit language variation of Gurmukhi that resides in the Siri Guru Granth Sahib, the Sikh Holy book. We've fallen into this world of darkness and light, of polarity. Just as Yogi Bhajan said: "All this life is your gift. The tragedy and pain are as sweet as nectar."

Listening.

Today we practiced what is defined below in the postcard advertisement that I created on vistaprint.com....

The next time we will practice this will be in the Fall...and the date may change...

Originally, the kriya I put on the schedule for this day was "BALANCE THE MIND IN THE GROUP ENERGY", however we were not able to engage in this one as we did last Fall of 2012, because we needed groups of four to play patty-cake of all things! When children play patty-cake it creates more connections across the corpus callosum between the left and right hemispheres of the brain. While this would have been beautiful to do, last Fall we had exactly 8 participants. This Spring, there were 4 at first, which would have allowed us to do it, as we need groups of 4, but then a 5th person showed up.....sooooo....

Everything I remembered from what I practiced last night for potential alternates if the numbers weren't right to do this kriya fell into place. We did two short kriyas for the thyroid and the parathyroid from GuruRattan Kaur's book "Transition to a Heart-Centered World". I have heard from SatInder Singh in the past, and from students of mine, and experienced myself how tremendously powerful many of the kriyas and meditations are in her book. I don't think she 'changed' what Yogi Bhajan taught so much, as that she was inspired to bring a detail to these kriyas and meditations not present in some  other books of Kundalini Yoga. After all, David Shanahoff-Khalsa, in his books on working with Axis I & II Psychiatric Disorders, says in the preface that the only Kundalini Yoga 'Protocol' in there designed expressly by Yogi Bhajan was the one for Autism-Spectrum Disorders; the rest were divinely inspired by him. Yogi Bhajan told him to do this. His work AND GuruRattan Kaur's is powerful! POWERFUL!!

So we did those short kriyas from her book, and then the kriya "RELIEVE, RELAX AND RECHARGE", and what I saw happening in the room was exactly what needed to happen to get us to the best place for practicing the meditation: "MEDITATION for the SECRET DOOR of the SIX SOUNDS". We worked on our throat chakras, then the heart, then the lower three chakras. We grounded and centered. Then we learned to LISTEN deeply....

I suggested to the students that they try to watch Philip Groning's documentary of the Carthusian monks in The Monastery of The Grand Chartreuse in France...one of the most ascetic monastic traditions...more so than Cistercian monks or Franciscan. Carthusian monks take a deep vow of silence. They are able to speak once a week in a forum for an hour. The rest of time they listen deeply to what yogis and yoginis would call the "anahat", the unstuck sound, the sound beneath the sounds, the hum of the universe...the deep love at the core....

We listening in deep silence as the rain began to drum upon the cathedral ceiling roof of the studio. What a blessing.

Note: this was the last class taught with no other classes going on concurrently. From here on out, there will be a Mommy & Me class going on in the adjoining studio, and it will be loud. Kundalini Yoga is all about going with the flow...and I love it, and I love the babies and their cries, though I will miss the opportunity to rest in this deep silence. Maybe, if need be, in the future, we will try to do meditations requiring silence in the beginning, or maybe the shuni-a, the deep LISTENING will be the ability to hear even babies crying, and still hear the sounds beneath the sounds...

The Paris of the Midwest

Chocolate Chia?!

Tuberose Revisited or: The Music of Flowers

Kissing the Shore

Painting Words and Light!

Flowers of Fire!

When I was in my late 20s, I fell in love with flowers. Roses, jasmine, geranium, ylang ylang, iris and Wong-shi? Yes, Wong-shi, a type of Chinese gardenia blossom that floats on the surface of both Laura Biagiotti's original fragrance Venezia and the 2011 reformulation. Along with mango, black currant, prune (makes it plummy) and osmanthus (the apricot scent). Underneath it all is vanilla, cedar wood, ambergris, musk, civet and tonka bean. It was heaven! It still is...thankfully without real civet, musk or ambergris. How did they do that? I think...just like Kilian Hennessy...she took her time. All of us who loved her homage to the floating city of dreams that Venice is are blessed to have this fragrance again. I have a bottle courtesy of my friend Wendy's recent trip to Venice.

I wasn't sure if it was quite as fabulous, but I slept last night with nothing on but this exquisite juice and awoke wrapped in the arms of a sweet self I have missed. It is icing on the cake, or petals floating in the canal, that Laura Biagiotti's reformulation was done right, and that she has helped to finance the recreation of Venice' La Fenice Opera House famous green velvet curtain hand-embroidered with gold daisies that graced the stage before the 1996 fire. This little bottle of juice is what is on fire. Flowers of fire. Memories in the bottle floating back to me...

I've also been trying to find the modern equivalents of what seem to be the now watered-down Mitsouko and Narcisse Noir favored by Anais Nin and June Milller. I think also they get toooooo dark and indolic on me. I'm comfortable with a little darkness, and with the right combination of woods, vanilla can take you there, but I guess vetiver is too much for me. I love cardamom too.

I posted this on Facebook too, and Alison said: "Wow! I'll take 3 bottles please! Again, you should be a writer. If you were in marketing you could make a killing. Of course, then you'd probably have to write about worthless stupid products and you would quickly get bored and depressed and quit because it would suck the life out of you. So never mind. Your description of this fragrance is as intoxicating and romantic as Venice itself."

Um. Wow. And Diana told me that I NEED to self-publish my three manuscripts, one of them of prose-poetry, as well as all of my poems. Now that I think of it, Anais Nin self-published at first, and so did Virginia Woolf. Hmm. It is hard not to sound egoistic in wanting to do this. I am good at writing.

But I just keep huffing the flowers! I have written for years for myself. I have three unpublished manuscripts, one of which is finished...and several compilations of poetry. The poetry is really painful stuff, but some whimsical in an Alice-In-Wonderland sort of way. The finished manuscript is lyrical, surrealistic prose-poetry. It is very dear to my heart, and was very healing to write, which is why I keep it close to my heart. Thanks to everyone for their kind words about my writing. It is a pleasure to hear after years of hearing people say to me: "Well, it won't make you any money", or "I'd like to write too..." when what I needed to hear was this. Encouraging words and love and appreciation for my soul.

The Fire of Kali's Destruction Clearing the Way

Today I saw my father. I thought I was prepared. On the 12th he apparently fell over a waiter's leg at Applebee's restaurant. His face was blackened on one side, and he joked over the phone that he looked like The Phantom of the Opera. I joked back nervously that he was more 'grounded' than I. He didn't tell me the day it happened, nor the next day...not wanting to frighten me...but somehow I knew something was up. I even posted on his timeline about Hanuman the monkey god letting Sita know that Ram was okay...kind of like the Divine letting me know that my father was okay. Really.

But this is tough. Mortality. Issues. Questions. He could have died, and I knew it, the minute I found out on the 15th when I called him. I knew that he could have died. He is one tough cookie. But today I saw him. Finally. And I thought I was okay. But the rest of the day was very, very, very difficult. I am afraid. I am afraid for my future and for his, but I felt the presence of Ammachi particularly all week. She kept me drenched in fragrance, and drenched in love. My being, my soul and my apartment exuded it. Out of the potential destruction she lifted me...showing me that I am stronger than I know, that my father is strong too. Clearing the way for greater things for both of us...just not clearing the aisle of the stray feet of waiters. But she held us in her heart, and so did God. 

And all the prayers of friends were so deeply appreciated by both of us. I knew, somehow, that I was not prepared to handle his fall very well, so I called everyone I knew, asking for prayers. Everyone sent them. I am ever so, ever so grateful.

And Kali is making us stronger.