Yesterday's class was devoted to "Releasing Anger" Kriya and Tershula Kriya meditation, and one of my favorite students showed up unexpectedly...along with 11 more. I haven't seen more than 8 people in a class since January and all the New Year's resolutions! It was exciting to teach, and powerful. When class was over, that student, Danielle, asked if I had started the spiritvoyage.com latest Global Sadhana. I told her that I had meant to begin it this past weekend on Saturday, when I was in Memphis, but that it was just too long. I had meant to begin it Sunday, but did not. I had meant to begin it Monday, but did not. I started to do it yesterday, and almost stopped, with all kinds of negative thoughts running through my mind like: "You'll never finish...what are you doing?...You have too many meditations to do already...you are so selfish...you have taxes to pay, laundry to do, a car to wash, food to cook, classes to teach, a bathroom to clean...you are a slob...you are lazy...you don't deserve this...WOW!!!!
Then I thought: YOU HAD BETTER DO THIS ONE, BECAUSE IT IS SERIOUSLY PISSING OFF YOUR EGO.
And I did it.
And it was awesome. My spine tingled, my heart opened wider, and within 15 minutes I was watching a TED talk video on Radical Self Love.
And then...I got a phone call...from my ex...the one I'd sent a clip of the upworthy.com video: The Shortest PSA On How To Handle Drunk Girls Passed Out On the Couch...the one who, the very first time I was with him, performed oral sex on me without my knowledge while I lay passed out on his sofa. It didn't matter that I liked him. It didn't matter that awake I would have loved to have been with him, what mattered that it was rape.
And I'd meant to 'allude' to that past lude behavior of his, so when he called I expected him to address it. He didn't. He asked about Yoga classes, and for recommendations on where the best place was to go for a health issue that he was trying to address. We talked about his father and some health issues surrounding him as well. It took me a while after I got off the phone to release how exquisitely I had been manipulated...except THIS TIME he wasn't able to take my energy like he has in the past. I'm not sure if I believe everything he told me either. But, oh well.
So then I watched a bunch of stuff on Sociopathy. And a TED talk on How to Spot Liars. Very entertaining.
Through all of this, my heart seems much more open to the fact that all of us lie to a greater or lesser extent. ALL of us. I felt more aware, and yet more forgiving. I know what certain people are capable of, and I choose to keep a safer distance so that my heart can remain more open to those whom I trust more, and whom I really, really care about.
Funny, that the way my whole course curriculum for this meditation series in Kundalini Yoga is lining up with everything else. Amazing really... That tomorrow I will be teaching the kriya for "Treating Grief" from David S. Shannahoff-Khlasa's book on Axis I & II disorders. Amazing that I already had the track "Ong Namo/Sat Kartar" for the previous Global Sadhana with spiritvoyage.com on the playlist, and that I am teaching the kriya also for HOW MUCH YOU LOVE. So... I slapped down the tracks from Gurunam Singh's newest CD for the current Global Sadhana: "Touch Every Heart".
And I noticed something else. He's got the last track as "Har Ji" for Breaking the Mask kriya. Next Tuesday is: "Breaking the Mask" and "Clearing the Subconscious Reverse Personality".
And I'm already 'breaking the mask' of hiding behind a persona that has not allowed for the fact that I am bisexual and polyamorous. I believe in polyamory, know that it is a valid way of living, just like being straight or being gay is... and I am embracing it. Whether the couple I am interested in becomes one that I am sexually involved with or not, they are helping to heal so much within me. Just being attracted to BOTH of them almost equally, seeing them as sides of the same lover in a way, and watching as they do everything they possibly can to build my trust, to rebuild it from the ways in which it was broken down by a couple in the past...they are 'mirroring' my greatest fears in relationships back with the reverse: real love. Trust. Friendship. Respect. Even on their own turf they give me the courtesy and respect of listening on the other side of the door for a briefly appropriate time to see if it is 'okay' to enter. They do not barge in, even into rooms that belong to them, as long as I am occupying the space, without first checking to see if it is something that I want. My tendency to overwhelm, to see if I can trust them, they are weathering like troopers. For this alone, I love them more than words can say...
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