I realized today, as the Mommy & Me class went on next door to Kundalini Yoga, that I am grieving over the 2 babies I couldn't have. Crying in my tofu as I cook. Adi Shakti's little Tutu told her mama when she met me: "She's a mama. She has two." Tutu could see my babies in my aura. I've seen my daughter before, right before I had to have an abortion because I was so sick that I almost died. I would have died. My daughter came to me then and forgave me as I cried my heart out. The two rings I wear...
...represent my daughter & my son that I could not give birth to, because of severe, life-threatening Hyperemesis Gravidarum. As I'm crying, I'm sad, but happy that I get to be around other people's babies. I'll even change diapers if you ask me, and show me how. To all the mommas: God bless you and you and your beautiful wombs. May we all, as women, continue to have the choice to live or die, as I did, and be able to give birth when it's right for us.
Christy responded to me on this post on Facebook:
"That touches my heart. Our children are ours whether they fully, physically manifest. They are ours. Your little ones love you and are with you. Not the same as physically with you, so you could hug 'em and squeeze 'em, but with you. Not the same at all, but I'm sure you sense their presence. love you Phoenix Amrita, and thank you for sharing."
Josh: "love to you, lovely one...it would seem that you did and do, in fact have those children..."
And many other people responded.
And I responded: Christy and Josh you are making me cry harder and that's good! I need to feel this grief, and let it transform into the energy to create with my heart, voice and hands. I've been holding back. I do feel them there. My teachers wanted so badly for me to take Radiant Child Yoga training. I wasn't ready, financially or otherwise. I see why I relate so strongly to Anais Nin in one way, and Amma in another. Amma has thousands of children as devotees...she calls us her children. Anais was like a mother in many ways nurturing the neglected sides of women with her words. I am grateful to both of you for responding with kindness to my disclosure. Thank you. The Internet is real, and I feel a tremendous release by saying all of this out loud. My eyes are crying, my heart is singing.
Then Christy said: "I don't know how to make one of those cute little hearts, but cute heart coming your way. Holding you in healing, peaceful light."
Christy I can't stop crying now...I had so much to do today, but this takes precedence. < + 3 = a heart....Love back to you and your little ones mama!
Then, she struggled with making that heart. It was so endearing...we both agreed we were dorks, and then she finally got it, and I laughed! I needed that!
To Diana and Kim I said: You are so kind. Diana I now know why I never took you up on your offer to join the Mommy & Me you teach because I wasn't ready. And why I've planned to visit Adi Shakti and her babies, but always chickened out. But there are so many adults who I want to hold & rock like little babies...to help them let their pain go. Students, friends. There's a man who is fighting off his grief by chasing lots of women who needs a big hug more than he needs anything else. I know it. I just want to hug everybody. Amma is rubbing off on me and making me want to hug people. It makes me think of "The Hugging Book" that came out in the 80s....
Then Christy said to me: "When I was dealing with the infertility and coming to an acceptance, I had started planning a ritual... A funeral for my fertility, if that's not too macabre. I had planned out certain things, like who would I like to be there, what would I like to do to release, etc. Then, of course, I found I was pregnant with Eric. So, I got to go through the pregnancy/childbirth/nursing experience after all. We had hoped for another, but my body decided menopause was the thing. She needs a rest, I guess. Once my year is up, I plan to honor it with ritual and ceremony. I feel like I have another child that would like to come, but my body needs a rest. I've already adopted 2 special needs kiddos, and I know there are many ways to bring children into my life; I really wanted the physical experience of pregnancy, birth, and nursing again. It's hard not to feel greedy. I'm grateful I got it once, and he sneaked in there at the end. I'm sure you've considered or experienced some sort of ritual or ceremony to honor yourself and your little one and your process. Just my thoughts."
My response: Christy I haven't. What I've done is wish for menopause out of anger and resentment. Anger at some men's callous disregard for the danger pregnancy would pose to my life, and anger at a system that doles out Viagra like candy, and makes a woman lie back in stirrups to get her precious birth control. I've wished for the sexual freedom which men seemingly have. I've resented the assumptions of the doormen and employees in my building that anytime a man came to visit, as a single woman, that I must be sleeping with him...so I never brought men here for a long time. And having been celibate for more than 5 years, I've had the opportunity to turn down some rather hunky men, which somehow sickly nourished my ego's desire to say "no" in a belated response to every ridiculous and soul-searing relationship I ever had. I have so much hidden rage (well, I'm hiding it no longer) around sexuality, that it's likely very dangerous for my body, and I need to change that.
When my last major bleeding occurred, it was in October, twice that month, and roughly around when I purchased my last two gongs. All during late Fall & Winter I experienced an almost insatiable desire, but a desire relegated to one man. It is unfulfilled. The only ritual I want, as troublesome as it feels to my mind, is to be able to have sex with either that man or someone in the future whom I love deeply, where I no longer have to worry about pregnancy. But underneath it all, I am mourning the loss of something that was a double-edged sword for me: like a car I couldn't drive because I had no keys. What use was fertility to me when it was so dangerous?
What I want now is to be held, even once, by a man whom I trust to make love to me in the tenderest, sweetest way, with the utmost kindness and respect, and to do so without fear. Of anything at all. That would be my desired ritual. To just let go and fall into the arms of someone I trust and can trust. And I'd like to make love to a woman at the same time. I want to honor both sides, loving both men and women as I do. I want to claim my bisexuality as something legitimate and whole and real, and worthy of respect. I want to celebrate embracing that too. And I want to live in a world that honors those sorts of desires without so much prurient interest; with an awe and reverence for the beauty of sex and love all by themselves with people that you love.
To be free to love more than one. To love the woman and the man.
I want to make breakfast for this couple in the future, hold their hands and fall asleep in their arms and smile at them and know that I am safe and loved.
I want to walk arm-in-arm with them down the street.
I want my passing into menopause to mark the beginning of a freedom to love deeply in ways I've never been able to before. That is my wish. Just a ritual of loving from my whole heart whomever I want to love and who loves me.
I see menopause as a step into that doorway. I see it as a threshold into a new way of being. I'm frightened and sad, but also excited and expectant.
And then Christy contacted me through IM: "Thank you for sharing in your post yesterday. Again, if you're comfortable, will you post something in our mandala group? (She means our closed group: Sacred Feminine Mandalas...and she has asked me to repost things I've written on my Facebook page there before...) I know several of us are dealing with sexuality and reproductive processes. I know a lot of us are feeling anger, rage, and sadness. I don't want to dwell, but I have a feeling your experiences and feelings will resonate with a lot of people, whether they speak up or not. Your words bring awareness and healing. I'm so grateful our paths have crossed."
She touched my heart so deeply. I cried. Again. I laughed. Again. Hearing Faye's words: "Breathe in. Breathe out 'Ahhhh', the sound of the heart.........do that for awhile......then take it to laughter!"
Christy, yes I will. I'll need to condense some of it to put on my own blog that I'm writing as a requirement for my Kundalini Yoga training on Stress & Vitality. (note: So much for condensing... but I want to preserve this whole conversation here. It's important. Very.) I'm working on that this weekend.
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